Tell.

The day that I consumed half a gallon of ice cream was the day that my friend Kirsten said it was “time to do something.” And by “do something” she meant change something about my life…

To say that the last two months have been difficult for me is to put it lightly. These last two months have been grueling both mentally and physically (I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t hurt myself because I did some stupid things…). I have been running the business for the owners, applying for and interviewing for new jobs, finding another place to live, and moving my belongs from the various places where they have been stored over the last year – all while maneuvering the politics and drama that surrounded my previous work environment.

When I’m in a lasting state of unhappiness (like I was in Loneliville) I tend to binge… Binge eat and binge watch. Whole boxes of cereal. Containers of ice cream. Jars of Nutella. Bags of chips. You name it and I can eat it in large quantities without getting sick. My body is strangely tolerant of such behavior. And what’s a junk food feast without countless hours of mindless TV watching? Not my finest hours, but I’m not concerned. This behavior is perfectly “normal” binge behavior for me and it ONLY happens when I am emotionally and/or mentally stressed and/or lonely.

It’s my “tell,” if you will. It’s the physical manifestation of how I really feel about my lifestyle or situation in life. For me binging is some vain attempt to self-soothe myself into better mental state. I’m lying to myself, though, because things really aren’t ok.

I didn’t find out about this conversation until weeks later, but my manager apparently told my brother/coworker to do whatever it took to keep me happy so that I would stay with the business. The conversation happened under the ruse that all of this would be good for me. My brother refused such a proposition because he DOES know what’s good for me. Let’s just say…I was not happy.

I’ve struggled with disordered eating for about the last four years now. Maybe it’s because for the last four years my life has been disordered. I have yet to settle into a home, a job, or a city. There have been frequent upsets (some by my choice an others not so much). I have been so focused on survival mode that it’s made it more difficult for me to figure out exactly what I want from life or who I am as an adult.

I don’t know if any of the rest of you have noticed (or remember), but being young is hard. I realize that every life stage has its challenges (and I’m sure that adding kids makes things even more complicated), but right now as I look at my own difficulties I’m discovering that being a young, single, professional trying to “do the right thing” is challenging. It’s not easy to get good work experience, and find safe living places, and make enough money to live off of, and handle all the things that just come with being in the adult world —- car repairs, medical bills, insurance, taxes, housing, moving, dating(?*), etc. etc..

I’ve had to be real decisive these days… I’m getting better at deciding what I want, what I don’t, and what I will put up with, and what I won’t. I’ve been listening to my “tell” for sure. So!!! I quit that job last Friday, packed up my stuff the same day, and drove to Kentucky. I signed a lease on a duplex on Monday and I couldn’t be more thrilled! I’ll be sharing the duplex with my sister (who is attending the university there) and a mutual friend of ours. I’ll be sure to share pictures of the place as we move in and get it all dressed up. The place is both affordable and quite nice. We looked at it this past Saturday and signed the lease yesterday! Whoopee for having a place to live that I actually LIKE!

 

Onward and upward!

Therine

*What’s that?

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