I had an interesting experience this morning. I woke up feeling stressed. And for a “Type A” anxious kinda person you might think to yourself that this is yet another normal day in the neighborhood. But what was interesting about today was that I woke up stressed about a bed. You heard me right. I woke up stressed about my mattress, boxsprings, and bed frame. Well, not about the the bed items themselves, but because I do not have the room to take them with me when I move, which means that I will either have to sell, giveaway, or donate them to someone within the next two weeks.
But the thing is, that I don’t want to get rid of this bed. I want this bed. I want to keep this bed. So today I got up earlier than I intended and walked around in a huff as I pulled the sheets off my bed so that I could photograph the boxsprings and mattress for an ad that I’m gonna post online.
I told myself I was being stupid about some silly piece of furniture and that if it even came down to it I could haul it to the dump and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I pushed those emotions away and tried to carry on with my day.
Later today I was packing up some more things in my room and as I packed I was listening to the 10% Happier Podcast. The host, Dan Harris, was talking with vulnerability expert (and my current favorite mental health expert) Dr. Brene Brown. They were talking about emotional intelligence and about the importance of having the ability to name intense emotions. When experiencing emotion people can often identify emotions such as sad, happy, or angry, but it’s important to be able to identify deeper emotions such as shame, excitement, embarrassment, anxiety, etc. Experts say that identifying them is a good step towards processing them in a healthy way.
In the end, of course it never was about the bed at all. Silly as it might seem, it was ultimately about what furniture often represents to me. Things like home, comfort, belonging come to mind. There is so much that I will be giving up in my life as I transition for the next several months. I honestly have no idea what is going to happen and all that uncertainty makes me nervous because I know that I’ll be doing it alone. Not that I don’t have help along the way, but ultimately this isn’t a team sport I’m playing over here. It’s more like one sweaty girl running an ultra-marathon for like… 4 years.
I took a deep breath and paused for a minute to stop all the emotions from rolling around incessantly in my consciousness. I wasn’t mourning the loss of a comfortable bed – I was experiencing the loss of stability and the introduction of uncertainty.
So, how am I feeling in this moment? Uncertain. I am currently feeling the weight of uncertainty.