I’m having a hard time putting a finger on exactly what I’m feeling right now. It feels like exhaustion, but I had a great night’s sleep so I don’t think it’s that. Dread? Fear? Sadness?
As I lay on my back and stare up at my ceiling fan as it whirrs round and round I wonder if I am the only person who gets a sense of foreboding whenever I make a new step in life. Maybe this means I’m not adventurous, but whatever. So I lay there for a minute in complete silence and try to give this emotion – this feeling pressing on me – a name. For some reason if I take the time to pause and give my feelings a name it helps me process.
It’s 11:17 am and my sister is gone, my temporary roommate/cousin is gone, and my roommate is laughing a cutting up with the friends and family helping her move out the last of her stuff. In a matter of minutes I will be all alone and the only things left in the house will be my last few boxes and this blowup mattress that I’ve been sleeping on for the last few weeks. I was the first to find this house. I was the first to move in. I’m the last to move out.
So much happens in a year. So much growth. So many memories.
I don’t even have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times that I have moved in my lifetime. In the last 5 years I have moved houses, cities, and jobs more times that I care to recognize. I wonder why I do this to myself, because it hurts every time. Yes, it feels like adventure, but it also feels like loss.
Have you ever noticed that it’s all too common for TV shows and movies to have a focus on strong female friendships? Like a storyline built around a group of 4 or 5 women who are really close friends? One thing you’ll realize if you move around enough is how painful it can be to be on the outside of of those groups. I’m never in one place long enough to really get in to any friend groups. Maybe it’s a personality thing, I’m not sure. I’m no stranger to putting myself out there and creating opportunities to interact, but recently… Recently I have become increasingly aware of more and more women (my age) in my life are running around in various friend groups around me. They are running around in friend groups and I get to find out on social media about all of the movies, picnics, pool parties that they attend together and somehow I am still invisible. They don’t think about me when they want a friend, but they do however think about when they need a babysitter. Because apparently if you are female and single then watching someone else’s loin fruit is exactly what you want to do with your free time.
Here’s some radical honesty for you: If we aren’t friends. If we aren’t involved in each others lives. If we aren’t spending quality time together of some sort. Then I don’t want to care for your children. Not even if you pay me.
I got my feelings hurt the other day when I realized that the “friends” I made here didn’t actually value our relationship as much as I did. My attempts to bond with a group hasn’t been all that successful. One particular friend I have tried and tried to do something special with her before I leave. And each time she has flaked/forgotten for one reason or another. So finally I just gave up.
I’m a connecter. I look for ways to bring people together. And it really pisses me off when people consciously or unconsciously exclude others. Like when you try to get a group together to see a movie and some people say “we would go, but we just saw it together”. Um, why the heck didn’t you think to invite anyone else?
Can I just say that I have been in this city and at this church and at this job for a YEAR and not ONCE has someone put in the effort to invite me to something unless it was a large group invite (like a church potluck which does NOT count). I have planned and invited and gotten rejections for my attempts (which makes me feel odd), but yet I get nothing in return.
The story I am telling myself is that I’m not likable. Humans suck. Loneliness sucks. Being single sucks.
I know I am very likable. You know what’s not likable? People who have never moved and who have a solid friend group and make people feel invisible. Step up your game, people! Here’s a little challenge for you all – if you have someone new in your community don’t make them bend over backwards in an attempt to have some community. I cannot even express in words to you how freaking lonely I am.
Last week when I announced my move to the preacher at church he invited me and two other young people from church to have tacos with him and his wife at our local Mexican Restaurant (Ah, now that I’m leaving you want to get to know me). Just having someone to eat and chill and talk with like a normal family, gave me so much energy it was embarrassing. My soul was like, “Oh, so this is what it’s like to have a family. This is what it’s like to have community.” I’m pretty sure I could just disappear from church and no one would even notice. People have said this is my own fault. I accept some responsibility, yes, but if I move into someone else community – into someone else’s world – then I kinda feel like it should be their responsibility to bring the lone wolf into the pack. Am I crazy and selfish in thinking this?
Moving makes me reconsider whether I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish while I was here. Like, what’s the point of me being here? Was it to work a pathetic sales job for $9 an hour while I got used to the feeling of career rejection for a year? Was it to experience another failed relationship? Was it to struggle to find connection and friends again? One will never know…
Moving feels so final. Everything that happened here will just be stored in gray matter here soon. Just a wisp of time.
I’ve really gotta get out of this place, but unfortunately I have to be at work soon and I close tonight and I can’t really spend money now that I’m about to be unemployed. It’s a real good thing that my TV has already been hauled off and I don’t own any streaming subscriptions… because I’m feeling an intense pull to do some hardcore numbing right now.