Unsteady Uproot – “The Forty-Year-Old” (Wednesday, September 4th)

It might be unkind to refer to someone simply by their age, but it seems to be the qualifier that sticks most easily in people’s minds.

It wasn’t my true intention to be so heartlessly unfeeling when I requested (in a rather longwinded email) that I wished us to breakup as penpals. To be fair I didn’t feel as if I owed him anything considering that I only knew him for 30 seconds, but now I that I have offended him by my “negative” email (his word, not mine) I’m not sure if things will end up on cordial terms.

Who knew so much could happen while only knowing someone for two weeks.

We met at church two days before I moved away from Kentucky. He was visiting his grandmother (he lives in Atlanta) and happened to be sitting in the pew behind me. We chatted for like half an hour and instantly connected. Then we started emailing. And the emails starting coming in fast and LONG.

To be fair, I’m kinda feeling the pressure from all sides. On top of my own move, career change, and return to school – my parents have decided to move to the same state where I’ll be living so I’m also trying to process the feelings that come along with two childhood homes being sold (my parents owned a house and rental property where we lived when I was little) and the feeling as if I no longer have a place to return “home” to in general. My life feels so crowded and consumed by long to-do lists and uncertainty I simply could not see how someone hundreds of miles away and wanting to form a relationship over email can find any place to rest in all this chaos? So I asked to end whatever we had started.

Is that so wrong?

And then some of my friends were like “yay you!” and then others were like “this is why you’re still single” and then I was confused.

Am I being picky? Yes. Is the timing bad? Yes. Could there have been something there? Maybe.

But then I got an email stating that I deserved an in-person relationship and that he’d be willing to travel the 1000 miles to visit me.

And then my anxiety swamped brain trying to move my entire life to a strange new land to get a job, find a place to live, and go to school was like…. ACK.

And I ghosted him.

And this is why I’m still single.

Because even after an “I apologize for my freak out” email he never wrote back. Smart man. There aren’t many men who can handle all this crazy, haha.

But again, do I want to be married badly enough to try to form a relationship with someone from 1000 miles away? And all while building a new life and working full time and going to school?

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