Unsteady Uproot – “Short, Dark, and Handsome” (Tuesday, September 10th) Cont.

There is probably a special section in the Laws for Dating that states that one must never allow any healthcare provider to accrue Crush Points. If Crush Points weren’t part of your daily life during middle school, then let me shed some light on the details. When someone catches your eye in a special way they are worthy of “Crush Points”. That special someone earns crush points by doing nice things, being awesome, or overall just being really really ridiculously cute. You have 10 crush points and you can give them each out to different people if you’re one of the really popular people, BUT if you have your sights set on ONE in particular you can give ALL of your crush points to one special someone. Once one person has all of your crush points then they become your unicorn and you are destined to be together forever. ***giggles childishly***

Back in May I was doing a yoga routine that I had no business participating in – yet I persisted –  and I push and twisted like nobodies business. Am I capable, yes. But I’m also a bit too capable because my joints are so bendy that they tend to bend to the point of injury when forced. So here I am today with some “mechanical disfunction of the upper lumbar segments” (my Physical Therapist’s words not mine). In short, I am in pain to the extent that it hurts to breathe, lean my back against something, or turn to the side, and it’s been consistently getting worse. My PT believes I need X-rays, Chiropractic, and additional rehab to move past this.

And so here I am.

At the place I am loathe to be: The Office of Yet Another Chiropractor.

If you have never experienced one of these spine specialists or maybe you have and you have always had a great experience then hurrah for you. I have experienced so many unhelpful Chiros over the years that I have begun to distrust the profession entirely. There has been only one chiropractor that has consistently provided relief for me and she got married and moved her practice to an island which helps me none… Plus, some Chiros are just plain kooky. Like the doctor who infused “energy” into objects for me to carry around. Apparently as long as you don’t put them through x-rays then they hold their powers just fine… Or the doctor who made special healing water with ground up seahorse. Don’t ask…

But stepping into this office was like stepping into another world entirely. (Which seems to be the running theme for this entire state). For one I was given a little dongle for my key chain almost like you would use at an upscale gym. Apparently I am supposed to scan it each time I come in and answer some questions about how I am feeling that particular day. For another thing it reminded me of a place where rich athletes go to recover after a grueling workout with it’s countless rooms full of various accoutrements for soft tissue recovery, massage, and adjustments.

Butt. I mean, but. I have no idea if this doctor is going to help me with my back, but he is doing wonders for my eyes. He’s like a rich, mahogany brown, head to toe muscle, with an easy-going “I’ve got this” confidence. I decided to give his office a call because he had 109 5-star reviews. I was thinking it was because he’s such a good pain reliever, but now I’m wondering if it’s the eye candy, haha. At one point during my exam we (Dr. Handsome and I) started talking about how I found the practice. I mentioned that I had used Google. I then mentioned that he had incredible reviews and I asked if he paid people to say nice things about him. He claims that he does not.

Lemme tell ya, manual chiropractic adjustments aren’t half bad when your doctor is attractive. Is it just me or is it slightly intimate to be folded up and wedged next to someone’s body while they press on you every which way. Oh, just me? I’ve been single for way too long, haha.

I had so many different therapies at that appointment I’m not ever sure what was going on. I was in so many different rooms with the doctor and then with techs. I know there was a TENs unit, and a massager thingy, and ultrasound therapy, and then myofascial release, and dry cupping, and a machine that did some traction on my back, and then another machine that massaged and did a different kind of traction on my back and then these recovery boot that slip over your legs and improve your circulation.

In case you didn’t already gather this: my xrays showed that I was just as old on the inside as I feel. Between the ancient back injury from childhood, the joint hypermobile syndrome (JHS), bad posture, and poor lifestyle habits it seems that fate has made quite a mess of things. Well, a combination or ME and FATE. Or something like that. It seems I have worsened over the last two years since my last xrays which is truly, seriously discouraging.

But I can’t stop. This is something that will only be made worse by more sitting and more lying down and more stress. So for now it’s all about consistency. And more PT and better exercise and better rehab.

Ya know, right after I hurt my back in May and friend was like “You should really get that checked out – spine stuff is no joke.” and I was like “nah, it’ll be fine”.

Oh yeah, it’ll be fine. As fine as degenerating disks. It’ll be fine like that.

In other news, the doctor said he works hard for his 5-star reviews. I told him he’s gonna have to work real hard if he’s gonna get one out of me.

At least, that’s what she said.

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