Unsteady Uproot – “Now it’s your turn” (Wednesday, September 25th)

“Ok, Universe. I took a leap. I left everything behind that was safe and comfortable to move somewhere I had never seen before in order to start my life and career over. Now it’s your turn, Universe. WHERE IS MY EASY BUTTON???”

“That’s not how it works, you say?”

“Typical. That is just so typical of you.”

I’ve spent most of the day today completing a series of five aptitude tests in order to be onboarded to a local recruiter. I’m honestly very new to this process, but since none of my applications have created any interviews as of late, I am willing to try some new approaches to this dreadful employment process. The first half of the morning was spent filling out paperwork and then the next two hours was spent taking a series of tests to determine if I was capable with Microsoft Word, Excel, typing, math, english, and grammar. It honestly felt as if I were being subjected to yet another layer of college entrance exams. What kind of a messed up world do we live in where a human can work their butt off to get into college (taking all of the necessary aptitude exams), graduate with a four year degree, and then turn right around and be subjected to hours more exams JUST to apply for a job. I have straightup failed two of these in my lifetime. And when you fail they put you on employment probation for 6 months before you can even attempt to apply again – and you still have to take all of the same exams. Again. It’s no wonder I have test anxiety.

All I want to do is work, but I have a psychological aversion to proving my worth in any setting – wether it be personal or professional. It automatically triggers my anxiety, which in turn makes me want to give up before I have even begun. Resume edits, and cover letters, and writing samples, and reference letters, and skill tests and O.M.W. just let me work so I can make some money and do something with my life. It’s demoralizing to put so much effort into each application only to hear nothing or to hear that you “didn’t pass the skills test”. Well, for some reason my university gave me a diploma and for some reason I had a 4.0 GPA so clearly I’m capable of something. It should also be noted that I have never ONCE lived off the government’s dime even though I qualify. I’m doing my best to contribute here!

Sorry for the rant. I knew I was taking a risk when I agreed to move out here on my own and on my own dime. What I didn’t realize is that the physical therapy clinics are only hiring for licensed positions and I’m not licensed. All they will give me is volunteer hours. I can’t eat on volunteer hours. I also didn’t realize that my sister would not be living here in the same town as me, so I no longer have a roommate. I also didn’t realize that the temporary living situation would be pressuring me to work and move out. Our lease agreement led me to believe I had the freedom to live here for more than just a few weeks weeks.

After finishing that last exam today I kicked myself out of the house to drive 30 minutes out of town for a Bee’s Knees iced latte at my favorite new coffee shop. This place is out of the way, but I was seriously craving its vibe. They have a fully covered veranda complete with adorable wraparound wooden seating and overhead fans to keep you from melting in this 100F heat. It’s hot, don’t get me wrong, but honestly I’m enjoying it. I love the way the heat feels on my body. The Bee’s Knees latte (which I get over ice cuz it’s so dang hot) is a shot of espresso, with lavender, and honey dribbled down the inside of the glass. Pro tip: bring your own glass and they discount it 50 cents. Bring a big glass and they give you as much as fits in the glass. WIN. This place also happens to be right down the road from where I assist with therapeutic riding so on Thursdays I leave the barn and come straight here to chill and write.

I have also learned that they offer a free yoga class each Saturday here on this incredible covered pavilion by the lake. I haven’t gotten to attend yet, but considering how much I need to manage stress levels and considering that I am still unemployed I can’t really justify any yoga studio memberships at the moment…

Speaking of expenses. I think I mentioned this at some point but about 6 months ago I did some soft tissue damage to my back (presumable during yoga – go figure. Is it any wonder that I would try to do something healthy and end up causing lasting damage?) where the lumbar and the thoracic vertebra meet. I left it alone for a long while hoping and praying that it would magically heal but the pain persisted. The pain is localized (thankfully), but it feels as if my actual spine bones are terribly bruised. X-rays indicate some abnormalities but nothing too serious. And yet…the pain is really starting to interfere with my life. I feel as if I had just gotten to a good place with my back again until that fateful day in 2018 when I decided to have “fun” and sled down a steep hill. Since then I feel like I’ve been fighting for healing again.

That said, I’m still shelling out the big bucks to see a chiropractor and receive some weekly soft tissue work such as cupping and myofascial release. It’s not cheap, which is painful to cough up when you are living off your savings account, but I’ve justified it because spines are kinda important and I need some self care in this time of stress.

This coffee shop is in the bottom half of a swanky hotel. Maybe they are hiring… I meet with the recruiter on Friday so… here’s to hoping!

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