Unsteady Uproot – “The Anxious Mind” (Sunday, September 29th)

Sometimes I feel like my brain likes to play nasty tricks on me just for the heck of it. Like last night. I honestly believe that it was like, “You know what would be fun? What if we took a stressful situation from memory and we’ll throw that into her consciousness while she’s sleeping. Then she’ll wake up and not be able to go back to sleep! Muahahahahaha!”

Seriously, though, these last few nights have been chock full of stress dreams. It’s like my brain is once again trying to solve the problems of the world in my sleep. Recently I’ve been having reoccurring dreams where I’m somewhere having the time of my life with my lover (he always seems to change in appearance and name, which is disconcerting) when some terrible natural disaster/”act of God” kills or takes him away and I wander around the rest of the dream sobbing and trying to find him. Very stressful. I’m not sure if it means several of my boyfriends/husbands are going to die in my future or…what?

You would think that now that I have full-time employment I would be totally relieved and stress-free. Unfortunately my brain is making life a little more complicated than that. Starting the new job means 40-50 hours a week of a learning curve doing something that’s in marketing/merchandising (with which I am familiar) – yes – but it’s a side with which I am completely UNfamiliar. So, yeah, learning new stuff takes time and all, but I’m also being hired on in the fourth quarter which is their busiest time of the year so I need to be at the top of my game. If not, I just might be shown the door. This state is an “at will” state which means that there is a 90 day probationary period before your salary and benefits kick in. Up until this point you can be dismissed from work for any reason or no reason at all. Oof!

I think the biggest kicker that is causing me stress is that I am having to undo all of the work that I put into getting doctors to give me observation and volunteer hours. I want to rent my own place AND I want to stop paying for my own health insurance so part time jobs weren’t really a viable option. But now I’m having to backtrack and be like…”Sorry…I can no longer work at your clinic for three hours on Thursdays because I’ll be at work paying for my life. Yes, I know I worked for almost a month to get a slot here, but I guess this is just part of adult life – these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves!”

I’m giving my host family a lot of grace for situational issues in their lives and their individual personalities, but in the end I’m trying to be out of here before the end of my lease on October 31st. I HATE the thought of living alone. Yet I also HATE the thought of living with another roommate. As much as I am concerned about being left to my own devices for long periods of time, if I am honest with myself there won’t be much time in my future where I’ll have much down time. In a couple of months I’ll be working full time and going to school part time. Any time that I am at school I’ll be doing homework and studying so…will I really get all that lonely? Not sure.

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