Unsteady Uproot – “I’m still here.” (Saturday, November 23rd)

My biggest fear when I considered this move wasn’t even about failing. I knew failure would be an option. I might not be able to find a job or an apartment I could afford or – dare I even say it – I may never be accepted into a physical therapy assisting program. My biggest fear, though, was whether I was choosing this move for me. Was I giving up the life I had in Kentucky and moving to Texas because my brother is there and says it’s the best? Was I moving there because my little sister would be going to school there and we could be roommates and I could have a friend/family member to hold onto in this strange new land?

Looking back on like the last 10 or so years I have noticed that I make a lot of decisions because I have either waited so long that I have no other option OR because someone else has done it/experienced it and they deem it to be a good decision.

In this way, yes, I am afraid to fail.

Oddly enough my sister ended up not even moving to this state to finish her degree, and even though my brother is only an hour away I have only seen him three times since I moved here. This journey is definitely me.

I definitely moved somewhere on my own and without knowing anyone. And so far it feels good. It’s exhausting, but it’s good. And slowly but surely I am starting to find a new way for myself. It’s interesting to think about every other move that was me going towards someone. Like, there was always someone on the other side of the move to collect me in my transition. But this move has been very different from that aspect. Yes, I had a host family at first, but within the first two weeks I had a full time job and a lease on a condo and to be honest the experience with the host family was far from home-like so, if anything, having them as a landing pad actually added an extra layer of stress that I wasn’t expecting.

Meeting people and having friend-like people in my life has proven extremely challenging and I think anyone who has made big moves in their lives will tell you that losing community is one of the biggest challenges. I keep asking myself, “Where are all the cool single people?” Like, where are all the people who aren’t 19 and who want to do things like hike, and see plays, and explore the city? I’m sorry, but I’m not the kind of person who plans things a month in advance… Are all married people difficult to get to commit to activities or is it just the married people I’m encountering? Not gonna lie, I already miss the days when we all had five consecutive hours to just “hang out” with friends.

Regardless, I’m enjoying doing stuff on my own. Christmas is coming up so I’m planning to go to some orchestra stuff and a Christmas play in the city within the next few weeks. And I’ve very much enjoying my afternoon weekend coffee dates with myself.

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