When I first decided to move here I was afraid that I was moving here for the wrong reasons…again. Over the last 5+ years I have had the tendency to make decisions based on three criteria:
- is this the last and final option because I have waited so freakishly long that I no longer have any options but one and will now have to make this work?
- has someone else made this decision/experienced this thing and deemed it a good choice?
- will there be someone waiting to collect me “on the other side”?
Unfortunately for me, if the answer is yes to any of these questions then I will proceed. If not, then I will wait around until the answer IS yes to one of these questions.
This tends to mean I make decisions that aren’t getting me closer to my goals for my life, and tends to take me on a path that someone else has chosen for their particular life. My brother lives in Texas, my sister (at the time) was transferring to a university in Texas, and my family was talking about moving to Texas. So I knew my brain would see this as a safe, calculated “adventure.”
Translation: I am not truly adventurous.
One of my best friends (who is a clinical therapist in NYC, by the way. If you need a solid therapist in the city let me know) asked me this while I was still in the throws of making this decision: If you move to this state and this city for this school and every family member you just mentioned moves away – will you still be content with your decision?
At the time I said “yes” but considering how I make decisions, I wouldn’t quite know until I had more experience.
Flash forward like 5 months and I’m in this state in a city where I didn’t expect to land and headed to a school I hadn’t heard of. And my sister wasn’t able to transfer universities and my brother lives an hour away and I have only seen him a couple of times.
I’m definitely making my own way out here. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I simply mean that I don’t have a crutch out here. I don’t have someone to fall back on so I am getting a true taste of whether I can be joyful and content with a life out here on my own.
It’s not easy, for sure. As I type I am sitting outdoors in one of my favorite spots not far from my house. It’s a giant veranda connected to a coffee shop where you can feel the warmth of Texas and the breeze and look out over the lake. There is definitely an art to being alone and truly feeling yourself in your own body. Everyone here appears to be like 18 and they’re in groups studying, chatting, and sipping coffee. But I’m over here on an island at my own table doing my own thing.
And yet, even despite feeling a bit displaced and lonely, it feels like…progress I guess. Like regardless of everything this was a good step for my life.