Deep sleep, where art thou?

Sleep has been evading me recently. Despite the fact that I wake up every morning at 5:30 and am doing either strength or cardio workouts every day I seem to be sleeping rather lightly and having countless odd dreams. Then I wake up feeling like a rock, drink a matcha latte, and promise myself I’ll sleep better the next night.

And yet… I’m still not really sleeping well the next night either. You would think that all of the learning and running around that I do during the day would tucker me out, but alas no…

So instead of meditating and avoiding screens at all costs (especially since I stare and screens all day and have yet to figure out how to wear my glasses and a mask at the same time) here I am with a mug of hot magnesium+calcium water and writing instead.

I think I’m putting too much pressure on myself with this Physical Therapy class I am taking over the summer. I keep making stupid mistakes and it’s one of those classes with the grade tally so every time you submit something you literally see your grade go up and down with your results. Not ideal for someone with type A perfectionist issues…

I can’t help but feel like this class is going to hold significant weight on my PTA program application. I mean, would YOU want to admit someone who got a B+ in her Intro to the Profession class? I mean, doesn’t that automatically prove that you’re not a good fit for the program?

Ugh

Ugh Ugh UGH

The number of things that I must accomplish over the next few months just so that I can apply for this program plus everything else – it feels like it’s squashing me.

I keep hearing the program director saying, “You know, a lot of people don’t make it into the program the first time they apply. You need to have a plan B.”

I’m not used to having to compete for education. Compete for money for education? Sure thing! But to have the money and have to compete for a spot to get a chance at the education? Nope. Not used to that.

I’m problem-solving and working on my toes and learning all day long. Honestly, there’s not much of my brain left by the time I sit down to work on my online class once I get home. So I force myself. I set a timer and force myself. And then – like tonight – I make stupid mistakes, watch my grade ticker go down, and think about what a horrible student I am…

Tis the life of anyone supporting themselves and increasing their education… It’s not easy.

Good news tho: I somehow weaseled my way into an exercise group at work. Nothing major. Just a few women who walk outside or walk the flights of stairs on our lunch break (the entire clinic takes the same lunch break which is convenient). In total we walked up and down 25 flights of stairs with masks on (because we are not legally able to be in the hospital without them), and at one point I actually thought I might smother. But my heart rate maintained 156 throughout and I was able to take some flights two-at-a-time, so that’s something to be pleased about because it means I got some cardio and all that pilates is giving me the quads of steel I desire.

Today we had a patient scream at our manager because of the mask policy. She was refusing to even hold one to her face… There was throwing involved. Gonna try to NOT think about that one while I fall asleep.

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