Never have I ever... spent a Christmas all by myself before. Last year I went from having family AND a boyfriend to spend the holidays with to this year being stuck in Texas and being totally, completely alone.
My biggest fear when I considered this move wasn't even about failing. I knew failure would be an option. I might not be able to find a job or an apartment I could afford or - dare I even say it - I may never be accepted into a physical therapy assisting program. My biggest fear, though, was whether I was choosing this move for me.
Last week I was invited to my first party since moving here and – I kid you not it – according to the thoughts that were racing through my head it was as if I were in eighth grade again and preparing for a very important event that would subsequently determine my social standing for the rest of the year.
I wrote this WEEKS ago, but never got around to putting it up on the blog. It was dark and sleeting and we were bumping along the highway in a giant truck while pulling a trailer and...I started writing this to help pass the time. But I got suuuuper sleepy, and was yawning, and bleary-eyed, and we were getting major feedback from the empty 20 foot trailer behind us so it was the craziest most random jumble of thoughts in a Word Document. Hopefully its in some semblance of order now. Enjoy.
The day that you finally muster up the courage to meditate is the day that a long list of your shortcomings as a human becomes stapled to your forehead. You sit there awkwardly on the cold hardwood in your stretchy pants (because you assume that a hard, uncomfortable surface and unrestrictive pants are gonna get you that much closer to becoming a real mediator) gathering your courage as you resolve to sit - in silence, and without moving - for the next 5 minutes. No text messages. No IG cares to give. No nagging work assignments. Just you and your thoughts.
Since I can no longer afford luxurious activities such as trips to the day spa as part of my self care routine (although I miss those days of steam rooms and massages dearly), I am taking the time to remind myself today that I don't need to spend any money in order to chill and recharge after a long week.
Some humans are dissatisfied with their bodies. They pick, poke, and prod areas of their bodies that they deem to be lesser than others areas or lesser compared to an area or body part of another humans. They wish to have attributes of some other human.